Brocreation Read online

  Brocreation

  A Play in One Act

  By Ashley Lauren Rogers

  For licensing and production rights please visit AshleyLaurenRogers.com

  AUTHORS ELEMENTS OF STYLE

  ...

  A thought which trails off.

  -

  A statement which is interrupted by another character.

  /

  An interruption in the middle of a word or phrase. The actor should finish their thought but the actor saying their next line should start their line on the slash.

  Thanks to Jen Cook, Michael Grochmal for helping with edits.

  Special thanks to Diana Pho, for

  always loving and supporting me.

  As is true with all pieces by Ashley Lauren Rogers, unless otherwise stated assume an actor’s sex assigned at birth is irrelevant to the characters. Directors should strive to cast transgender/gender nonbinary actors in their productions of her work.

  CHARACTERS

  PAUL – Male Early-Mid Twenties. Very high energy.

  RANDY – Male Early-Mid Twenties. Paul’s roommate, a typical twenty-something dude-bro.

  ANGE – Female Early-Mid Twenties. Randy’s girlfriend.

  PLUMB - Early-Mid Forties. Randy’s college professor.

  It is present day. Lights up on PAUL and RANDY’s apartment. There is a couch centre stage with a coffee table in front of it. Stage right is a door leading to RANDY’s Bedroom.

  PAUL enters and slams the door. He is carrying a human female arm with a piece of metal jutting out from the shoulder joint. The fingernails are painted. He slams the door locks it, puts the arm on the coffee table, and sits on the couch furiously rubbing his face in his hands. He then puts his left hand to his ear and talks into his naked wrist.

  PAUL

  We’ve been compromised. Repeat, we’ve been compromised!

  RANDY

  (off stage)

  Paul, is that you?

  PAUL

  (To wrist)

  Must enact emergency protocol Alpha Sierra Sierra Delta India Charlie Kilo. No, termination is not an option.

  RANDY enters.

  RANDY

  Hey Paul!

  PAUL

  End transmission. Randy?! Good, you’re here!

  RANDY

  Yeah. I was playing Destiny, putting off Professor Plumb’s stupid essay, but the game’s being all glitchy-

  PAUL

  I need help-

  RANDY

  The assignment is super clear dude, do you find Nabok/ov’s Lolita-

  PAUL

  Not with the essay! I need you to do something-

  RANDY

  Does it have anything to do with that sweet robot arm?

  PAUL

  No not… sort of.

  RANDY

  It’s super realistic-

  PAUL

  Yeah- look, you need to-

  RANDY

  I think Ange has that nail / polish.

  PAUL

  Randy! Shut up! I don’t have time to explain but I need you to do some/thing.

  RANDY

  You spent all your rent money on that arm didn’t you?

  PAUL

  No you don’t understand-

  RANDY

  Don’t make this about me. You’re the one who wasted all his money on a prop, you’re always doing this spending your money on stupid crap and expecting me to pick up the rent bill. Well Paul I’m not surprised but I’m still disa/

  PAUL kisses RANDY full on the mouth.

  /pointed.

  PAUL

  We need to bang, right this very second.

  RANDY

  Paul I’m not gay.

  PAUL

  I know-

  RANDY

  I know you know because-

  PAUL

  I know because I’ve tried-

  RANDY

  Multiple times-

  PAUL

  So many times to get you to sleep with me but-

  RANDY

  Paul you’re a nice guy, fantastic roommate- albeit a financial clusterfuck- But Paul-

  PAUL

  If you don’t bang me I’ll die!

  RANDY

  You’re being desperate there buddy-

  PAUL

  I know how it sounds-

  RANDY

  I don’t think you do, because if you did you’d see how even if I were into it; that would ruin our whole roommate situation.

  PAUL

  Then marry me!

  RANDY

  Paul-

  PAUL

  Think about it!

  RANDY

  Stop it I’m not gay marrying you-

  PAUL

  It’s just a marriage.

  RANDY

  I’m a dude I’d be marrying another dude, that’s a gay marriage-

  PAUL

  Yeah but you don’t need to call it a gay marriage I don’t go gay swimming or gay renew my driver’s license-

  RANDY

  I’m still not into you like that-

  PAUL

  Fine then. Think of it as a monogamous relationship with your best friend and favourite roommate-

  RANDY

  So what, we get tax breaks and health insurance but… I could still get with chicks?

  PAUL

  No, monogamous, monogamous!

  RANDY

  I don’t bang other dudes!

  PAUL

  Then we wouldn’t bang! You could just give up sex! No? Silence means no huh? What if- what if I became a woman then!

  RANDY

  Not cool.

  PAUL

  I’ll get a sex change, we can get straight married and everyone wins!

  RANDY

  No and fuck you for suggesting that-

  PAUL makes an overdramatic shocked reaction.

  PAUL

  I cannot believe you could be so transphobic! That you wouldn’t love me if I were a trans woman!

  RANDY

  I’m not transphobic-

  PAUL

  I don’t know Randy, you should probably, bang me now and prove it or else everyone will know what a transphobic douche you are.

  RANDY

  You’re the transphobic one! Trying to exploit the struggle of a marginalized people, perpetuating the bullshit stereotype that they can choose their gender just so you can bully me into the sack!

  PAUL

  In all fairness I need you to bang me or I’ll die-

  RANDY

  Paul you’re not transgender and you’re not going to die if we don’t bang right this second! It was flattering at first but this is getting really annoying.

  PAUL

  I guess there’s no sense in prolonging it then. Randall Cyprus Howell I am not who you think I am. My name is Paul E. Five Seven Four Four Two and I am from the future-

  RANDY

  Bull-

  PAUL

  Seriously! I was sent back into the past to stop the evil Techno Tyrant Randall Cyprus Howell Junior / from rising to power-

  RANDY

  Wait wait wait wait-

  PAUL

  I need to finish-

  RANDY

  SO in the future my son, I’m assuming he is my son because of the name, becomes this uh- tech-

  PAUL

  Techno Tyrant yes he’s basically like four Hitlers all in one. I was sent to the past to ensure he is never conceived.

  RANDY

  My son, my future son, is some sort of Quadruple Hitler-

  PAUL

  Yeah Hitler times four… Quad Hitler with laser beam eyes-

  RANDY

  Laser Beam eyes you say-

  PAUL

  Yes and that’s why you have to bang me, bang me now so Qu
ad mega mecha Hitler is never born.

  RANDY

  You- you do understand how straight relationships… and human reproduction works right? I mean, let’s say, hypothetically we do bang- I can still get a girl, the mother to my supposed quad Hitler baby, pregnant.

  PAUL

  Hypothetically, yeah, that’s true but you won’t because of my rigorous training you won’t ever-

  RANDY starts laughing.

  PAUL

  Don’t laugh! Humans in the future exist solely as living batteries.

  RANDY

  That’s the Matrix! That logic was bullshit in 2000 and its bullshit now. There are better ways to power a machine. Has the Technocracy never heard of wind power? Solar power maybe?

  PAUL

  I know that but it doesn’t stop your little bundle of Hitler from progressing the way he has- you know coal is bad but you still use it-

  RANDY

  I don’t-

  PAUL

  As a people, you as a people -

  RANDY

  My Hitler baby would never do that because I would not only instil in him the “Don’t be Hitler,” rule a rule which I think all good parents should adopt, but also because he’d know humans as batteries was a STUPID and wasteful concept!

  PAUL

  Just- Bang me so I don’t die! We’ve already wasted too much time!

  RANDY

  I’m not going to bang you!

  PAUL

  That arm… That arm belongs to the techno Tyrant’s futuristic kill bot who tried to take me out.

  RANDY

  Nope!

  PAUL

  I was able to remove its good arm before it could shoot me-

  RANDY

  Us banging is not going to stop this killbot! Is it allergic to gay sex-?

  PAUL

  Why’s it gotta be gay sex? You don’t say you’re having straight sex-

  RANDY

  You’re an idiot!

  PAUL

  If we bang now it could start a chain reaction of you never banging another woman and therefore never having Quad Mega Mecha Hitler, and then he’d never send a kill bot because he and they wouldn’t exist thus you banging me saves us both from the fate of the killbots!

  RANDY

  Then why not kill me?

  PAUL

  Not an option.

  RANDY

  It seems like you could avoid this whole mess by killing me-

  PAUL

  No!

  RANDY

  I don’t want to die dude. I don’t have some freaky death wish, but by your logic if I die, no Hitler baby.

  PAUL

  I refuse to lose you, Randy I- I-

  RANDY

  You’re what? Really talking yourself into a hole? I found the flaw in your logic just admit-

  PAUL

  I can’t lose you- not again- I love-

  RANDY

  Stop. Right. There. Paul. I can’t deal with this anymore; I want you out of here by the end of the week.

  PAUL

  No Randy no, if you bail on me I won’t be here by the end of the week. I’ll be dead!

  RANDY

  I refuse to be bullied into sex. Refuse. If you’re gonna threaten to kill yourself over me, go kill yourself.

  PAUL

  That’s not what-

  RANDY

  I’m gonna stay with Ange for a few days, I guess.

  PAUL

  NO! Not her you can’t-

  RANDY

  I don’t wanna hear it! You’re jealous, fine, be a man and deal with rejection!

  RANDY goes to exit to the bedroom but ANGE enters the main door wearing a trench coat with one arm ripped off. She has one arm visible, in which she is holding a gun. The jacket shoulder area on the other side is bloody and oily.

  PAUL

  Jesus!

  PAUL jumps to the floor, flings the coffee table on its side for cover. ANGE takes a few shots and dives behind the couch. PAUL pulls out a gun, they start to fire at one another.

  RANDY

  What- No- Why- STOP!

  RANDY runs in between them, they both immediately stop.

  ANGE

  Randy, you idiot, get the Hell out of the line of fire!

  RANDY

  Oh thank God you didn’t shoot me!

  PAUL

  You never run in the line of fire!

  RANDY

  I know but- You were shooting and I didn’t know what to do.

  ANGE

  Running towards the hail of gunfire is always the wrong idea!

  RANDY

  It worked!

  ANGE

  Move out of the way Randy this isn’t my good arm.

  RANDY

  Don’t do anything-

  ANGE

  I can’t aim as well with this arm Randy I don’t want to hit you.

  RANDY

  I don’t want you to hit anyone!

  ANGE

  Stealing my shooting arm. Can’t say I expect any less from something like you.

  RANDY

  That’s your-

  PAUL

  Worked didn’t it.

  ANGE

  Not many could yank my arm clean out of the socket-

  RANDY

  Ange… Ange… You’re a kill bot? Paul was telling the truth?

  ANGE

  I doubt it, but if he said he was from the future-

  PAUL

  I told him the truth!

  ANGE

  He thinks I’m a robot-

  PAUL

  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck-

  RANDY

  Ange are you or are you not a Robot!

  ANGE

  No I’m not. Not exactly.

  RANDY

  The fuck does that mean!?

  ANGE

  I’m a human with cybernetic enhancements.

  PAUL

  Aka Robot-

  ANGE

  Cyborg!

  PAUL

  Abomination! Do you even know where your brain stops and your control programming kicks in?

  ANGE

  I could ask you the same question you reprogrammed, indoctrinated, technophobe! Randy… my arm.

  PAUL

  Don’t listen to her Randy.

  ANGE

  Please.

  PAUL

  No!

  ANGE

  Throw me my arm. We’ll talk and I’ll set the record straight, you’ve been lied to.

  PAUL

  If you do that she’ll kill us both-

  ANGE

  My aim’s bad but I could take him out easy standing where he is Paul and you know it. I haven’t taken the shot because I want him alive. If he dies I can’t get pregnant and Glorious Leader might never exist.

  RANDY

  You’re the mother!?

  PAUL

  Don’t listen to her she’s lying!

  ANGE

  I’ve never lied to you Randy-

  RANDY

  You have a metal arm! You’re a cyborg from the future!

  ANGE

  You never asked me if I had a metal arm or if I was a cyborg from the future!

  RANDY

  That’s not a thing normal people ask one another!

  ANGE

  See I never told you I wasn’t a cyborg from the future-

  PAUL

  It’s a lie of omission!

  ANGE

  Like how you omitted that your group are in the minority of people who feel Randy Junior is mega mecha Hitler and how humanity is enslaved and running on hamster wheels to power the machines that enslave them-

  RANDY

  Human battery, like the Matrix, but yeah that’s mostly what I heard!

  PAUL

  It’s easy to seem like you agree with a dictator when you’re his slave!

  ANGE

  We elected, we consented, to hardwire ourselves. Randy junior is a savior. He’s a mega mecha Jesus not Hitler! />
  PAUL

  You’re incapable of free thought-

  ANGE

  Randy give me my arm.

  PAUL

  Don’t!

  RANDY

  If I give you the arm do you promise not to hurt Paul?

  ANGE

  If I have my arm back I can promise Paul won’t be hurt.

  RANDY tosses the arm to ANGE. ANGE pops below our line of sight behind the couch, snaps and robotic whirring is heard.

  PAUL

  You’ve doomed us.